England Expects Part 3: Steven Gerrard is sh*t

Call me unpatriotic and pessimistic if you must, but this is by far the worst England tournament squad I've seen in my lifetime. It is almost bereft of any distinguishable world class talent or any cohesion and unity. What it does excell in is supplying the nation with average, overrated players, many of whom would barely make the reserves of the upper strata's squads.

Let's make things nice and sparkling clean:

Joe Hart: After one spectacular keeping display against Borussia Dortmund in 2012, Joe Hart was labelled the best keeper in the world by the British press. Subsequently, Hart has turned out to be just a keeper that's good on his day but is very accident prone (see the first half of this season). He's much better than Rob Green and David James, but that really isn't saying much.

Ben Foster: Average.

Fraser Forster: A couple of good games against Barcelona has made his career. Still one more than Joe Hart, of course.

Glen Johnson: Despite not showing a shred of form in Liverpool's costly defence, Johnson has beaten the likes of Crystal Palace's Joel Ward to an England spot, and we all know why that is! If a player plays for a top 6 club, regardless of his quality, he will always get preferred to than any other league player. Johnson is a poor defender and an equally poor attacking wing back. He will get found out against even the most sporadic wingers, mark my words.

Chris Smalling: When he isn't injured, Chris Smalling is unable to get ahead of ageing Manchester United centre backs, with his only contribution this season in the form of a below-par full back. Smalling's averageness and inexperience, without good management, is bound to prove costly.

Gary Cahill: Despite not being anywhere near world class quality, Cahill is the best available defender in the nation. What a damning indictment...

Phil Jagielka: Been playing very consistent for Everton this season and one of the players that have definitely earned his place. Again, not world class, but he'll be a match for most strikers.

Phil Jones: (refer to Chris Smalling for an eery parallel)

Leighton Baines: One of the few players in the squad that could fit in to every nation's first team.

Luke Shaw: As with any young English talent, Shaw is overrated, but that's not his fault. He is a very good full back for his age and lack of experience. I look forward to seeing his career develop.

Steven Gerrard: Out of all the players in the England squad, Steven Gerrard is probably the most overrated, average footballers in the nation. This season, it has become popular amongst the English press to applaud Gerrard's every touch and pass, however insignificant they are. Whilst occupying a holding midfield role, Gerrard has defended poorly as part of an inadequate Liverpool defence. He slows down the play and can barely retain possession due to an annoying habit to hoof the ball up the pitch from the halfway line. Gerrard's only real contributions for Liverpool this season are his 12 penalties and a free kick, plus many set-piece assists as part of a free-scoring team under Rodgers. What I will say is that I find it wondrous that this shithouse got nominated for Player Of The Season. Needless to say, I can't wait until he retires.

Frank Lampard: Not only has Lampard underperformed for his country in every tournament he's ever been in, the MLS-bound midfielder also resembles Steven Gerrard in ability. By that, he barely retains possession, partial to hoofing it upfield from the halfway, and has the mobility of a stuffed aubergine. How this man ever got into this squad after the season he's had will inevitably be puzzled over by generations to come.

Jack Wilshere: When you look up 'overrated' in the dictionary, you will surely find Jack Wilshere's ratty, smug, drug-addled face, followed by a repetitive soundbite of the adult professional calling Tottenham 'shit'. He is yet another England player who is living off a couple of performances from years gone by. Of his talents, there is his doubtless ability to run around a bit and keep possession. The man wouldn't know what creativity is if it popped up in front of him and offered him a gram. What an embarrassment.

Jordan Henderson: Most people I talk to tell me his game has improved a lot this season, but I've yet to be convinced he can replicate it on an international level. Of course, that doesn't make him unlike any other English midfielder of the past decade.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: In a central role, Chamberlain has really shined for Arsenal, offering pace, determination, creativity and an end product. As a winger, although he isn't as effective, he is still head and shoulders above his supposed competition. However, Chamberlain is regretfully injured for the group stages.

James Milner: So average it makes you want to cry.

Raheem Sterling: Sterling is actually a young English midfielder that does live up to the hype. I know, right? What a find! His inexperience in not only international level but in cup competitions is the downside here, but he will make an effective impact player in Brazil.

Adam Lallana: It pleases me beyond comprehension that a player outside the top 6 has managed to get in the England squad. He deserves his place; he has performed well and consistently in the league and so far for England. Lallana's creativity, fluidity and versatility will prove vital for England's efforts in this tournament.

Ross Barkley: I have only nice things to say about Ross Barkley. He has the potential to be world class over time, with the ability to take set pieces, create something out of nothing, take on defenders and be an attacking threat.

Danny Welbeck: I have a Mancunian mate that adores Danny Welbeck, but so far he is the only one that has ever honestly rated him highly that I know. Welbeck shows signs of quality, but being completely inconsistent and completely underwhelming as a striker, he is likely to send the nation in a world of sighs and swears.

Daniel Sturridge: Sturridge has enjoyed the best season of his career at Liverpool, earning him a Player Of The Year nomination. He can score individual goals and work as part of a team as a potent finisher. Whilst you cannot deny that Sturridge has obvious ability as a good striker, we have yet to discover how much of that is due to being Luis Suarez's strike partner. Still, he will definitely be our main goal threat in Brazil.

Rickie Lambert: Lambert has found a place in this England team, not through a good season, but through England's severe lack of strikers, beating off competition from one-trick-pony Andy Carroll and MLS-level Jermain Defoe. I suppose Lambert will be somewhat an impact sub due to his height, but he won't trouble solid defences at this level.

Wayne Rooney: Rooney is the best player in the squad. This hasn't escaped him from increasing criticism due to his consistently average performances for England. If we could harness his full ability at the World Cup, we would be maybe eek into the status of 'dark horse', that's for sure. But how many times have we pinned our hopes to Wayne Rooney and become disappointment?

In conclusion, although there are a few shreds of quality in our squad and some potential quality players, 2014 will be another year of hurt for our national team. Ah well...

England Expects: Part 2

England are off to Brazil this summer, and I am as happy as anyone else at this moment in time. The prospect of the World Cup finals in one of the great homes of football is mouth-watering, and for England to be a part of it is honourable. There won't be more anticipation for a world cup till it returns to its first home, Great Britain herself. Although this is an inappropriate time for querying and inquisition, it is my moral duty to stem the tide of optimism.

How England decided to approach qualification this time pestered much of the public (I went into some detail in England Expects). We finished top and we finished unbeaten, and those achievements cannot be cast away and taken for granted. However, what irritated the fans above anything else was the cautious, reserved approach Roy Hodgson took in qualification, despite the distinct lack of quality in the rest of the group.

The best reflection of Hodgson's approach was in his selection policy. He persisted on selecting players that were completely out of form or out of contention at club level at the expense of untried players or players of bottom half teams. Of Roy Hodgson's selections, the stand-out examples are as follows:

• Danny Welbeck, despite only scoring 2 goals in all competitions for Manchester United last season.
• James Milner, a player who fails to impress or make an impact at club or international level.
• Tom Cleverley, heavily preferred to Anderson and Fellaini at (again) United.
• Ashley Young.

Of course, this was somewhat masked by Hodgson's 'big gamble' in the last 2 qualifiers: Andros Townsend. Townsend played out of skin in both games, taking on his opposition with the fearless inspiration and limitless passion which us fans appreciate more than any record or statistic. However, anyone who has watched Tottenham play this year would not have been surprised by Townsend's performance; he is in such a purple patch that he is keeping the internationally-acclaimed Argentine Erik Lamela out of the first team.

When England came into a group with the teams we had (Poland, Ukraine, Montenegro, Moldova and San Marino), coming first place is expected. Anything less would have been a failure. For much of qualification, the risk of failure became too high. Even though it brought the best out of all of our players, the pressure of the last two games should never have existed. Despite this, the most important thing is that we did come first and we were not beaten.

There is an argument that England has lost a lot of reputation since South Africa. Our national team can no longer align ourselves with the best of the best. Spain, Germany, Italy and Holland are in a different class to us. Rising above them would only be a complete accident. Their squads are filled with world class talent in every position, a prospect we can only dream about. We are not in the top 10 of the world. We are not even close. 

Therefore, the best way to approach this world cup is to go into it with no goals. No 'this is our year' speeches. No 'we have as much chance as any' logic. The players should go out there and enjoy the occasion. Fight for their pride, nor for a quarter final spot. 

The shroud still surrounding this much anticipated tournament will clear in the coming months. The media, being the bloodthirsty cannibals that they are, will ask the impossible over and over again, but it is up to the FA and the national team not to buy into it, not to succumb to the pressure of idiots.

It is obvious that the Greg Dyke and the FA are building towards a bigger future, but their intentions for the here and now should be clear: make the country proud. 

England expects

"England expects": the words that are repeated over and over at every single international tournament; the words that represent our desire to see our country play and play well; the words we all stand by. Last night, English football lost all expectation.

Ukraine away was played up as the most important fixture in our search for qualification. A win would all but guarantee our ticket to Rio next summer. A loss would be devastating. A draw would keep qualification most definitely alive going into our home games at Wembley, if not neccessarily setting it in stone.

To my utter dismay, it was the latter of those which our manager decided to aim for from the first minute.

Ukraine are not a nation known for their footballing class, nor will they ever I doubt. The Dombass Arena is, no doubt, an intimidating ground due to the loud eastern European, with loud cracks of flares and fireworks going off at random points, silencing the England faithful in the opposite corner of the ground. The England team though, full of professionals well-paid and well seasoned, should be prepared for such grounds. No matter what situations, England expected a win against the team in yellow.

The England team that former Fulham, Liverpool and Albion manager Roy Hodgson took to the Dombass was a weakened one, not at first by choice due to 'injuries', but certainly such weakness was increased due to the selection of James Milner.

Milner, now (regretably) a regular international and Premier League winner, is a consistent player, no doubt, but consistent at being average. Sure, tags of 'high workrates' and 'puts in a good shift' are ones Milner has earnt. Yet I have never seen a player so less befitting to the tag of 'world class' than Milner. He posseses no finesse, no style, no distuingishable talent, nor is he a game changer or match winner.

In that sense, James Milner is Roy Hodgson's playing representative. Hodgson is a manager who has never even come close to the heights of management, failing at his highest post at Anfield, nor has he won a domestic trophy. He is not known for any specific style of play, except perhaps grinding out satisfactory results.

What does this show for English coaching, or indeed the FA, that a man with very little credentials or talent in his profession can elevate to the highest post in Enlgish management?

Am I harsh to criticise Hodgson? Well, let me dissect the Ukraine game and we'll find out.

From the first minutes, England looked dodgy, with England's number one making a rash challenge on Ukranian striker Roman Zozulya in the box, the referee pointing for a corner and not to the penalty spot.

A flatly driven long pass into the box from midfielder Edmar opened up another chance for Ukraine in the box, to which England only just defended.

England's chances, however, were limited to a few long range shots and corners, with zero creativity coming from Jack Wilshere or Steven Gerrard. Rickie Lambert, a classic number nine, did not profit as a result and barely made a shot in the entire game.

As the game wore on, you would expect teams to settle down and become more confident on the ball. On the contrary, both teams became insufferably poor in midfield and with very little football played by England in the final third.

Ukrainian winger Konoplienka was by far the stand out player from this match, terrorising Spurs full back Kyle Walker all match. His bursts of pace and moments of skill, however, results in many clear cut chances. Walker, however, was suspect throughout the whole game. In fairness to him, the entire team were just as poor, even if England's faithful do like to scapegoat the Sheffield-born man.

Hodgson made some unconvincing substitutions in the second half, bringing on Ashely Young for Jack Wilshere and Tom Cleverley for Theo Walcott. As you would, neither contributed anything notable to the game.

The game finished all square, with most people struggling to pinpoint the exact words to describe the performance. Whatever it was, it left me ditraught at the ninety minutes of my life I would never get back. As ever, cheers Roy.

Many Englishman understood the slightly positive implications of the result, in a whole 'job done' attitudes whom many adopt. Many, however, expected more.

Me? I have lost all sense of expectation. Ever since Hodgson took charge at the Euros, England's football have resembled the same negative style of football. Players from the 'best league of the world' lacked flair and composure, often outdone by Ukrainians. Players who have been in the international setup for years and years lacked cohesion with thier teammates, as if they had been thrusted together for the first time. No creativity. No depth. This is what I have come to expect from England now.

English football is near beyond any treatment. While countries even as small as Belgium overtake us in every sense, England remains in purgatory. Hope? What hope? Expectation? What is there left to expect? We have been left for dead due to the attitudes of the FA. And yet, it is up to them to revive English football. Or else, The only thing "England expects" will be disappointment.