On Andros Townsend

After Andros Townsend came onto the scene for AVB's Tottenham at the start of the 2013/14 season, several articles were published under the headline "Is Andros Townsend the next Gareth Bale?". Feel free to copy and paste that into Google; you'll find like I did a bunch of articles written in 2013 discussing that prospect.

And blimey, what a prospect it was for us Spurs fans! We sold our hero, our talisman, arguably the best to play for Spurs in many years. And in an instant, we could have found a successor. Not one bought, but one of our own! One fast, attacking, goal-hungry, distance-striking winger replacing another. It was glorious. It dared us to dream of thirty-yard screamers, last minute winners, attacking football again. And with thoughts on what that could do for a national team so devoid of flare, so lacking in actual impact players, every English football fan was caught up in the furore of Andros Townsend.

It breaks my heart, therefore, to have to say this, but I think everyone knows it's true. He's one of our own, after all, that's what we sung - but so has many failed Tottenham prospects. Andros Townsend will never amount to the player we want him to be. Furthermore, Townsend barely justifies any more a seat on Tottenham's bench, let alone a starring role.

Allow me to explain. Townsend has many attributes that I adore from a modern-day winger: the ability to take on the defender; the willingness to take a dig at goal from outside box; the sheer velocity to belt it down the flanks. I look at defenders when he has the ball and they look startled into action, frantic to defend and stop him from making a difference in the final third. There's no denying that Townsend could fit the mould perfectly to play in our first team - hell, to play in any Spurs team over the years.

Well, then - why isn't he playing in the first team? Why has Pochettino confined him to the benches this season, using him in the league as no more than a second-half impact player? If he does indeed have all these attributes, shouldn't he easily waltz into the starting eleven ahead of Erik Lamela, ahead of Mousa Dembele, ahead of Nacer Chadli?

The answer is end product. Shots on goal. Creating chances. The difference between foreplay and fuck. Townsend has absolutely no end product, both as a midfielder and as an attacker. He has the foreplay of a pornstar but the penetration of a pubescent twit. He will take on the man; he will dribble down the the flanks; he will get into creative positions to set up and maybe even score. And he will bottle it almost every time. It's fun to watch him mess with defenders, but it is infuriating to watch the terrible crosses, the missed passes, but most of all, the constant, constant attempts on goal,

Scenario: a player gets the ball - teammates are in the box - a player cuts inside - a player looks up - teammates lose their marker - a player decides Fuck it, I'm scoring the winner - a ball goes cannoning into Row Z - possession lost, chance wasted.

Now picture that same scenario when you're watching your team, and it's every single game, and it's every single appearance, and it's every single season. I present you Andros Towsnend.

And the stats do not favour Andros at all. I've dusted off my old calculator, done a bit of division, nearly had an aneurysm, and discovered some shocking statistics about Townsend's end product. This was shocking despite the experience of watching him play for the past few seasons. Brace yourselves, people.

Across the last three seasons in the league and in Europe, Andros Townsend has played for Tottenham 58 times, shot at goal 102 times, and found the net 2 times. Two. That's a shot conversion rate of 1.9%. To put that in perspective, Spurs fans are like to see one goal out of every fifty Andros Townsend shots... ONE GOAL - FIFTY SHOTS. To put this in an even worse perspective for Andros, we'd be likely to get seven goals from Nacer Chadli in as many shots since 2013.

The fun doesn't end there, guys. Oh no. More of the stats that we so eagerly like to read say that Spurs fans see Andros create a single chance per 113 minutes of football. To compare with the a much maligned (and frankly, by many Spurs fans, still despised) rival to the right-wing spot, Erik Lamela will on average create a chance every 38 minutes of football, as well as the 12 assists compared to Townsend's 3 amongst his chances. If I were crude, I would say Lamela is statistically three times as creative as Andros Townsend on the football pitch.

So why exactly might Pochettino bench this young, talented footballer? Well, not only do the other young talented footballers in the squad - Kane, Lamela, Dier, Alli, (at a push) Mason - clearly make better impacts on matches than Townsend, these players are also improving at a far better rate since first playing for Spurs than Townsend. Whilst only the most hypercritical cynic would dispute the fact that Erik Lamela has improved since arriving at Spurs from Roma, Townsend is exactly the same player as he was when he burst onto the scene that same year. There's even an argument to suggest Townsend has gotten worse since first starting for Spurs in 2013; good defenders are more aware of his party tricks and can show him onto his weaker right-foot, which has even less of an impact than his left foot. With the likes of Alex Pritchard and Joshua Onomah jumping up and down to play for Spurs, I honestly wonder how Townsend is even on the bench under Pochettino.

Imagining a Townsend performance is much like Orwell's imagination of the future in Ninety Eighty-Four. I paraphrase: There will be no curiosity, no enjoyment in the process of attacking football. All possible chances to score will be destroyed. Always will there be the intoxication of taking shots, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of shooting from thirty-yards out, the sensation of trampling on a goal-scoring opportunity that is helpless. If you want a picture of Andros Townsend, imagine a boot stamping on Mauricio Pochettino's face - for ever.

Perhaps I'm being a tad harsh in likening Andros Townsend to totalitarianism. My main point is that I hold very little hope for Townsend as a top-half Premier League player. He is void of all end product, merely possessing the threat of it. He has all the attributes of an impact player without the decision-making skills to consistently do anything useful with them. At aged 24, there's still a few more years potentially there for improvement, and I'd love to see him replicate for Tottenham what he seems to do invariably for England. Sadly, with injury problems looming and better options already available and playing for Pochettino, I see a struggle for Townsend to hold onto his future at Tottenham.

The British tabloids have an excruciatingly painful tendency to hype up young, English footballers and announce them to be the next superstar in order to create interest. It wouldn't bother me if it didn't leave such a mark on these young players' careers. Tottenham and England fans alike will always struggle to discard the idea that Townsend could one day score goals, change games, bring glory like Gareth Bale did season after season in Lilywhite. But it's time we put it next to our other hopeless dreams for English football. I'd say that glory fades for Andros - this time, I doubt the glory was ever there to begin with.

Chadli: Bitter-sweet for some

News about Nacer Chadli's transfer to Spurs coated my timeline today like a delicious chocolate fountain, and boy did we need it. With the addition of the Belgian winger and the continued strengthening of our squad, we can begin to boast the best midfield in the country. And yet, a taste of bitterness, just a hint, lingers on the tongues of some Spurs fans.

Chadli versus the old defence. 

A bit about the player. Chadli was primarily a winger for Dutch club FC Twente. Quick and skillful, the Belgian can play either side of the field, but mostly on the left. For his national team, Chadli has gained 14 caps alongside a very star-studded team, and has played a lot of time in the centre of the midfield for them. He has become Twente's most important player, however, he had his sights set elsewhere, running down his contract in search for a transfer this summer.

One of the things that Spurs were lacking last year was options on the wing past the diminutive Aaron Lennon. Without him, Spurs always look weaker, out of sorts, like a portrait leaning slightly on on
e side. We tried to sort out this wonky portrait with various midfielders, unfamiliar with the position, but the structure was never the same without our No.7. I hope, with Chadli and Townsend in the ranks, that this long term problem will cease to exist.

So what was the reactions of the Spurs fans? Delight at signing a very exciting, young, skillful midfielder who comes right under the Spurs ethos? Satisfaction at the strengthening of our squad? At the very least, delight to see money being spent earlier this summer? Mostly this, but like I said, with a hint of bitterness - bitterness at the fact Spurs have yet to sign a striker.

This one's for the ladies.

I understand the concern. After all, the lack of a typical No.9 cost us many times last season when we needed a goal. Chances and crosses were frequent, the corner count ridiculously high, but with no one to finish it off. The meal was prepared, cooked, plated up, but there was nobody to deliver it. What a waste of good food.

However, to call this signing unnecessary, or a distraction, or wasteful when we should be pursuing a striker, is ridiculous. This was a key issue that had to be addressed, and for £6-7million, the issue may have been solved without putting a dent in our budget. Some people though... If we didn't sign anyone other than a striker for £25million, they would be happy. If we signed Iniesta, Schweinsteiger and Robben, but not a striker, they'd start burning pictures of AVB. Punters eh? As much a part of football as the game itself.

The Belgian Brigade that has swiftly invaded the Premier League has a new recruit. As for Tottenham, I must say that the added ingredient of Belgian chocolate has really made our team much more tasty. Leave out the bitterness guys, I prefer milk chocolate to dark.