Jonny Walczak's guide to Dubliners

The Sisters - Has pretty much nothing to do with sisters. Little kid gets molested by a priest. Priest dies, but the kid still can't get over being molested by a dirty old bugger.

An Encounter - Two kids play hooky and come across another dirty old bloke (literally?) on the street. He rambles about a load of shit. Has a wank in a field. The kids have the intelligence to dash off. 

Araby - Teenage boy has a boner over Mangan's Sister, but has no idea why. He goes to the market to find her. She's not there. 

Eveline - Eveline meets this really stand-up bloke called Frank, really top bloke, promises her a life away from shitty Dublin in the nice and sunny Buenos Aires. What a guy, right? Nope, Eveline would rather stay and take care of her family for the rest of her fucking life. Dumb bitch.

After the Race - Rich bloke hangs around rich blokes, races around in some really nice cars. Has great education. Plays poker. What an easy and happy life? Nope, he's unhappy too. Ungrateful little shit.

Two Gallants - Two guys called Corley and Lenehan goes out and shags a bunch of women, steals money from them and resigns them to a life of poverty and prostitution. Should be called the Two GalLADs. (Shit joke).

The Boarding House - Mrs Mooney is a bitch. Polly is a bitch. Mr Doran gets fucked over (literally, again). 

A Little Cloud - Little Chandler is a bitch. That's right, a bitch. He bitches about Gallaher, even though he's done well for himself. He bitches about his wife, even though he lets her abuse him every night (not literally). And he makes no attempt to change his life for the better. Reads poetry.

Counterparts - Gotta feel for Farrington. I mean, he beats his kid for cooking him dinner, but he really has a shit life. Full marks if you mention 'cycle of abuse' in your essay.

Clay - Don't get me started on this bitch. Buys cake. Loses it. Crys about it. Expects death. What a pointless existence. 

A Painful Case - Poor woman has a shit marriage and flings herself in front of a train. Morale of the story? Joyce hates marriage.

Ivy Day at the Comittee Room - If this comes up in the exam, you're gonna fail. Shittest story in the whole fucking book. 

A Mother - Really caring and considerate Mum dominates her husband but tries to dominate some musicians and fails. Why? She's a woman.

Grace - Drinking's bad, m'kay. 

The Dead - Gabriel, a socially-awkward rich guy, can't take banter and rambles on about shit even though nobody listens to him, but really wants give his wife a good seeing too at the end, only to get completely rejected. 

Michael Furey dies because he had a boner over Gabriel's wife, Gretta. 

Freddy Malins is funny as fuck but he's completely out of it. 

Thank God Joyce never made the sequel, Dubliners 2: Dubliners-ier. 

Here's a fun lot.